14 July 2009 2:04 pm: I can’t believe it, but I’m back to feeling where I was a year ago – tired and emotional. I took myersyndol last night to counterbalance the effects of insomnia and a cramp – woke up at ten to nine, was late for non-verbal play, was weird and emotional in the first session (saw the non-verbal play man looking anxiously at me), then gave what I suspect was a chatshow quality performance in the session with the first of my developers, although he did challenge me about being overanalytical.
Laughed at lunchtime with some women about aspects of last year’s workshop: they said, ‘And you came back?’ I said, ‘I’m from Alice, there’s no professional teaching there, you just jump at anything.’ R, also from Alice, concurs. Besides, it’s of an international standing.
Had
conversation some other attendee about the myersyndol fan club factor. She said she gave it up some time ago
(apparently it’s not an original idea), and went back to phenergan. There seem to be a lot of insomniacs
here – goes with the territory – partly the personality factor but also the
nature of the work…plenty of food for overthinking. At least it’s understood and accepted as a behaviour.
One
of the guys who was here last year said that the kiwis kept on ‘oversharing’ in
the producers’ meeting. ‘It was
like Snag Central,’ he said.
Now
here in my bedroom, wasting time, not doing the exercises I’ve been set…staring
at the walls…just like last year.
Groundhog day.
15
July 2009: Midpoint…I
don’t know if that title’s a bit wanky – perhaps I could have gone for
something even more predictable like Acts 1, 2 & 3. I
began to worry yesterday that I was experiencing a sense of déjà vu – the same
sleeplessness and restlessness that comes with being under the microscope,
pressuring yourself about your script, etc, again. The anxiety, I won’t say to perform, but of
performance. I think a lot of this
was generated by a lack of sleep and general apprehension. I saw everything in blue-tinted
glasses, as the saying goes, tho there was no need to. Things were better than I thought. As I said to someone, this style of
thinking ultimately gives me the opportunity to be an optimist, in an underhand
kind of way. A
lot about myself here…it’s partly because I’m avoiding repeating the workshop
content and because the focus of much of it has been on the developers really,
with the result that I’ve spent a fair amount of time in meditation
(specifically on a highly seductive daybed in my room under the window or in
the spa…very important for writerly work). Informal conversation about your script is to be avoided
with your developers, so that the formal development situation can be
simulated, with observers taking notes.
I have told both my developers that I expect to see signs of active
attempts from them to elevate my status as a writer: and to at least provide me
with a free latte and biscotti.
One of my developers admitted to me over dinner last night that he was scared
of me and having a session with me – which is scary in itself, given that he’s
some kind of arts bureaucrat. This
put me in a downward spiral about being intimidating to men although I’m
incredibly shy myself and what a double-bind this is, tho I haven’t had enough
sleep. I know it’s all ‘discourse’
and ‘in my head’; that’s what I keep telling myself. Told
my tutor exactly how I’d been feeling, to try and compensate for possibly weird
behaviour, like saying grumpily in first session where we’re meant to discuss
our ‘issues’ (at 9.15 am), ‘hnf, it’s a bit early in the morning for me.’ The interesting thing about the
sessions with my tutor and the developers is that although the developers don’t
attend the ones with my tutor, there is a dovetail layering effect, with some
gradual momentum building round ideas about the next draft. It’s also empowering or enabling or
whatever the right crappy word, in that it’s a practice session for me in
meeting with Film People (hopefully not in rectangular glasses). Mind you, I’m still ducking and weaving
around the homework factor, especially the sonnet. After
all that angst, the session with my other developer went well. He actually said he liked my script and
was excited about it – ‘more excited than I expect you are at the moment.’ Another useful discussion (not just
because it was flattering). Barged
in on table of tutors and developers at dinner last night: ‘Can I sit at the
adults’ table?’ I said. ‘Oh, we
were just talking about you,’ said my old tutor. Great. Probably
trying to nut out how it is that someone can be writing a script that references
Brideshead, Orlando, mountainbiking, uranium mining, native title, Alice and
lesbians (my current tutor admitted that he hadn’t read Orlando, but that he would ‘ask Tilda about it.’) I feel a bit like I’m on a reality
show, as if I’ve been invited back to the Australian Ladette to Lady.
I'm sure Tilda would rather he bloody read it himself. Lordy.
Great post, puts us in your spot precisely. Hang in there, it sounds like it's doing something.
Posted by: genevieve | July 18, 2009 at 06:59 PM